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boundaries Archives - Kate Emmerson

I’m going against the grain – step away from all the online offerings

By Insights to help you #quickshift

DATED 2nd April 2020 – amidst all the chaos
I’m going against the grain here with a message from my heart to yours…

You do NOT have to say YES to every single thing, course, challenge, FB live or meeting request you see wafting past your nose online.

Step away!

PLEASE STOP SIGNING UP FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU SEE ON OFFER ONLINE. Yes, including any of mine. I never suggest anything unless it also holds true for me!

Today is simply a short message – nothing to buy, click or sign up for. Phew, you can relax.

I have been working online, (with an old fashioned landline and Skype originally) for most of my 17 years as a coach, and right now everyone is naturally scrambling to get online. It’s pure survival out there to keep businesses going, I get it. But it also doesn’t mean YOU have to do it all!

While I believe most folk are offering services and products with good intention (lots of wonderful free stuff emerging, or very reduced prices – how wonderful) and we are all wanting to be of support to our communities, you do NOT need to be signing up for 10 different challenges or online courses right now.

Choose who and what you wish to support. Intentionally. My message today is to give you permission to say NO to all the noise out there. Otherwise, it’s only serving to ramp up potential feelings of heightened obligation, FOMO, guilt and “I just feel bad I’m not supporting them”.

Just this morning I told one of my very good friends that I would NOT be doing her awesome challenge (and it really is an awesome fitness one) as I have my own daily exercise/meditation routine locked in my body after traveling for 4 years. I also said that I am so proud of her and what she’s offering to her clients. Just not for me at this time. And then I breathed a bit deeper to have it OFF my list.

You see the problem is that you are probably replacing one busy-ness with another form. A different type of addiction. After all, you have been through and are facing, is that really going to cut it for you? All those things you have been wanting to do but blamed work or commuting, meetings or bosses for the reason you couldn’t nap every day, or garden or finish that book – so is staying BUSY BUSY BUSY by signing up to EVERYTHING on offer really what you need to be doing at this challenging time?

What if this (both marvellous and horrendous) time is more about finding a new set point, listening more (to self and others) going quiet, within, still, reflecting? Not just one looooong list of things to DO every day.

It’s about health, rest, family and connection.
Staying safe above all else.
Helping others where you can.
Not contributing to all the noise.
Shhhh – find that core of quiet inside.

Do you really need to know how to make pasta pockets filled with sea urchin and wasabi, or how to make yourself look like Kim whatshername?

This is a great time to UNSUBSCRIBE off channels, newsletters, courses and anything else you don’t read but clogs your inbox (including mine if I am not your vibe)

What if you are super cool just the way you are – enjoying more time to BE with yourself and your family (even if that means connecting virtually). Figuring out what really matters.
Naps
Reading
Resting and staring out the window
Figuring online food delivery (reality!)
Dancing to silly songs
Laughing
Space – if you have the luxury of it!
Doing what you feel INSPIRED to do – not tick off your list

I am encouraging you (and myself) to be super mindful of how many challenges we sign up for as each one requires so much commitment and vooma. Well to do it properly, doesn’t it? If you know me, I am always about quality over quantity and one done to maximum effort is better in every way that 5 half-a$$ed ones.

I am suggesting a maximum of three (max!!!) to keep body brain and heart strong. You could think of the categories you really do need support with – exercise/eating/energy OR
creativity/mindset/inspiration/mental health OR
business/brand/work or book goals.

Rather do less and do it properly
Pick just one and make it matter
OR three and nail them
But not ten and feel bad!

Stay safe and sane Kate and reach out if you need to.
Love Kate

What to do when what you do isn’t doing you!

By Coaching Tips 'n Tools, Insights to help you #quickshift, Uncategorized

What to do when what you do isn’t doing you!
How to move gently through the space of being “bored” of and questioning your supposed passion.

Damn I hate this space – has that feeling ever fallen like the soft patter of rain around you but at some point starts shifting in energy and begins feeling more like it’s a choking smog noosing your neck? When you start feeling a mixture of bored and hemmed in by your very own business, your very own passion. The one YOU created. The one where you can’t blame your boss or your company because well, essentially, YOU created it all.

Oh, the sweet, annoying irony!

I’m in that love-hate relationship right now. With my energy levels, my enthusiasm, my business model, and my future dwelling. It’s a tad too ironic for me! If you read my second book DITCH YOUR GLITCH you will already know the pain ‘n pleasures I faced when having to repurpose my life 8 years go. And I feel a similar time is dawning. A time to think about a new way to do. DO LIFE.

There are honestly days where all I want is a million bucks (not too greedy but can it be in dollars please!) stashed in an offshore account somewhere (can you tell I DON’T have one of those yet), and the luxury of 6 months with ZERO obligations.

ZERO

OBLIGATIONS

I’m fast realizing I have already packed one hundred and fifty years worth of experiences into my meager 49 (on Monday 24th April) years! Some days I love the work I do – feel blessed, ignited, engaged, tuned in, and on others – well let’s say the love factor is a tad lacking.

I want, no NEED to create a new way – forge a new rhythm. It helps me help you better! Going location free last year helped me create an even more beautiful life where I get to travel and share my energy with more people globally, but at the same time there is a lack of …..yes and what next? Trying to live each day in the moment coupled with where is this all going. I do NOT have all the answers, so I am merely musing about how do I,  YOU and us navigate awkward space when it is upon us?

Do you recognize this – where some days you love the work you do and quite frankly there are also other days you just don’t give a damn. This is true for me and  I know this is possibly gonna make you think – hell girl, how on earth can I trust you enough to work with you to help me shift my life?

Well because I’m busy re-configuring things, just like you are. Finding a way forward without dropping all I have worked so hard for. Does that ring true for you too? I know I need some more drastic changes again to step it all up another notch. It is notches, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s little steps, other times a salsa move here and there, next some massive leaps and then periods of confusion and rest. I feel the older I get simultaneously the “scareder” and the bolder I get. I have to wrestle the fear monster to the ground more often and embrace the bold leaper in me more and more. Our tomorrow isn’t promised, so the question is,”What to do when what you do isn’t doing you?”

When the appeal of having to inspire, cajole, shift someone towards their goals or just listen to someone ever again seems too much to ask in the moment and the thought of a six-month silent meditation retreat way up on a hilltop rates high on the appeal list, then I know it’s time! When I start oscillating like this I know I’m in for a bit of a ride that involves culling, setting new boundaries and calling on some bigass boldness in what I choose to channel my work energy into.

I know what it is – I have just been procrastinating!

That’s also the joy of getting older – I really don’t have to try and do everything and the biggest gift to myself is alignment and doing what matters the most and gives my soul the best kick of energy in return.  Are you at that point yet? I know I’m just messing with my head – because helping and inspiring others in some form just lives in my blood. So I know a few things that I suggest to myself to do when the “What to do when what you do isn’t doing you” mode kicks in…

Get more self-care – massage, reflex, support etc

Practise KINDNESS – for me and YOU

Close out some things draining my energy

Say no to stuff I really don’t want to do

Make different decisions about work I choose to go after for the next 6 months

Be bolder with my fees and simultaneously the value I offer

Sleep more

Juice more

Just let the stuff going on in my head and heart play itself out – sit with it and befriend it for a while

Stop forcing it to shift, ‘cos I know my personal tide will shift – just like yours will.

Like writing blog posts. I last did a newsletter to my database at the end of March, and no matter how often I saw the “task” reminding me to love my database and send a newsletter -I just couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm to write to you. Rude? Mmm, perhaps just honest. Then at the ungodly hour of 1.30 am this morning, with a bit of jet lag still lurking, an energizing call with our professional writer’s mastermind group and the weight of my partner in the hospital, I find myself wide-eyed and willing to write again. LUCKY you ha ha.

SO, WHAT TO DO NEXT?
If you feel like I’m not a total nutter then my birthday gift to YOU is valued at R397 ($30)

Please grab this opportunity to enjoy my special CAPPUCCINO CHALLENGE – a way to fall in love with yourself again as you put yourself at the top of your priority list for just 20 minutes a day.

At absolutely no charge.

It is loved by thousands who have been through it – you will get a zap of energy every day when offered a challenge that will take you NO longer that 20 minutes- the time it takes to drink that cappuccino. It’s all about small tweaks for big leaps. And don’t worry; it’s all pre-loaded when you sign up so you don’t have to rely on my daily status update or whether I’m in Love or Loathe mode 🙂 Sign up, and you will get a mail every day for 30 days! It’s really a cool course, I promise you!

 

Click here and be sure to use the code written exactly as below to get 100% off this product.

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With lightness for keeping it real

Kate

NO! is a complete sentence – how to say it without feeling too guilty.

By Coaching Tips 'n Tools, Insights to help you #quickshift

NO is a complete sentence. Don’t you love that reminder. But realistically, we need to learn the 5 ways to say NO without feeling TOO guilty.

It’s time for a little compassion with a kick- Let’s get real now! If you are always doing the things that others want you to do, or are doing stuff from a misguided place of feeling shitty about yourself if you don’t do it – well maybe its time to gird your loins and grow up? I have, many a time, done stuff because it was the right thing to do, or because it was “expected of me” or sometimes I just felt too ashamed to say no, cos’ I didn’t believe I deserved it ….the list goes on and on. IF you keep it up, like I did for a while, well then you will never get around to the stuff that’s cool, delicious and exhilarating to YOU. You will be one miserable creature on the planet.

Of course it’s tough to say no – I mean the voices in your head just don’t shut up do they? – What will they think, it makes me selfish, they need me, my stuff can wait, I have to do more, of course I’ll skip yoga to do this, I’m too tired to tell the kids to put their toys away…. blab la bla it goes on and on.

NO @#$$%!^!&!&**!!! (That was just a LOT of emphasis!)

Actually NO. The world is full of people doing all sorts of things for the wrong reason – like a job they hate, living in a house with a lifestyle they can’t afford, in a relationship that seriously doesn’t serve them, taking on projects at work beyond expectations not because they want the promotion but because they are the dogsbody, generally making commitments nodding their head yes when their heart is SCREAMING NO -people who are then so miserable that its almost impossible to fathom doing any good for anyone else. OR perhaps are so hell bent on pleasing everyone else, putting self at the bottom of the pile, that you are feeling deeply depressed, inadequate, unfulfilled and VERY busy but oh boi, VERY BORED!

Is this you at the moment? Or someone in your life that you see doing this?

One of the challenges humans face is the art of attempting to say no without feeling guilty. Do you think a lion feels guilty for killing the buck, or the hyena stealing the carcass from the lion? NO, just do it. Maybe that’s a little harsh because we have compassion, generosity, a conscience – but you also need to put YOURSELF back on the top of your priority list! OK, so maybe it’s really impossible for us not to feel ANY miniscule twinge of guilt whatsoever, but we are faced with the dilemma of doing it anyway. Especially when you start putting this concept of saying NO! into place- people are SHOCKED when you DARE to say no! Seriously you will get a heck of a lot of push- back doing it, but what if the tinge of guilt is fleeting, and the delight of standing up for yourself, getting clearer boundaries, being more honest will far outweigh that feeling of guilt. If you don’t try, you’ll never know?

These two concepts of guilt and saying no seem inextricable linked in our brains, and yet it is very debilitating and energy draining to say the least. It is darn near impossible to feel intrinsic joy and be fully alive when you are filled with guilt. Resentment, being pissed off at other people for so much stuff, and not giving the things that truly matter, your time and energy will not make for a HAPPIER YOU! We need to learn that we are allowed to say no, and in fact if you want your life and the world to be a better place you are OBLIGED to say no to certain things that come onto your radar – but you may need some help in getting your head around this foreign concept. It all boils down to the concept of self worth and believing that your time is of value to YOU. When you are constantly saying yes to everyone else and putting yourself at the bottom of your own priority list, you will be the loser in your own life.

 Here are some tips to nudge you along the way as you get started. Feel the panic already?

TIP 1 – Re-frame!

Rather than thinking about saying NO to others….re-frame it to think about saying YES to yourself. This simple switch will help to minimise and reduce the guilt trip a tad. The moment you take yourself more seriously and value your own priorities and goals to achieve each day, others will start taking you more seriously as well. You teach others how to treat you, so if you want a different result to always feeling like the doormat -take different action. Start with SMALL “NO’s” about little things to exercise the NO muscle! Then it is locked into your body for the bigger ones. Or in reality, maybe the bigger ones are easier for you – I know that when I’m pushed beyond my own self imposed boundaries, I can bellow Nooooooooo and simply be DONE with that issue. What is it like for you?

TIP 2 – Get Over Yourself!

SIMPLY – get over yourself! Harsh but true – the compassion with a kick! Stop thinking that you need to be all things to all people. Whilst this seems wonderfully generous, you will come off second best and land up having nothing to offer. This will lead directly to the idea that you do not value yourself in the equation, and every time you say yes to others when you really ought to be saying no, you will land up feeling resentful, angry, used and taken advantage of. So give up this need to feel bad about yourself and to make you feel needed and important through being everything to everyone and nothing to yourself.

TIP 3 – Buffer zone

Use a pre-designed “buffer line as a standard response from now on whilst still learning the art of saying NO. This is especially great to apply to the your potentially vulnerable zone – e.g. the one where you always say yes then kick yourself afterwards – maybe you always get caught by other mom’s for school runs, or you are always the sucker taking on the extra work load, or you are always the one that travels across town to meet your friend – You can pull it out of your toolbox when you need it. Try this out for practice…when someone asks you to do something, you can say;

“I would love to help you out but I must check my diary and I will get back to you tomorrow”.

That way you do not say YES as your standard answer, and effectively created a pause for you to assess if you want to do it or not. Be aware you normally say YES out of habit.

TIP 4 – EASY DOES IT

Never say an outright NO as this can feel horribly foreign to you and rude to the other person. So you could start your answer with …

“I would love to but I am unable to right now”.
Please remember that you do not ever need to give reasons or excuses as to why you cannot do something for someone else….give up the need to JUSTIFY your every answer to someone else. NO is actually a complete sentence.

TIP 5 – PATIENCE!

Have patience with yourself. Just because you want to say no doesn’t make it easy! Remember you are learning a new skill that’s foreign to you. It can help to acknowledge the following idea …

“Even though it is really difficult for me to say no without feeling guilty, I am going to value myself enough to say no anyway”

This can help you remember you are chartering new territory and the moment you do NOT expect it to be easy every time, it will help you keep moving forward. In no time at all it will become second nature for you to discern when to say yes and when to say no from your inner guidance as opposed to guilt and habit.

If you need some support on how to prioritize yourself and say YES to yourself, I am running IGNITE YOUR LIFE – starting on the 5th MArch

CLICK HERE TO watch a quick video and APPLY NOW 

NOW GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU SAY NO!